oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
