I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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