I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
