Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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