His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
