I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize