I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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