Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
