I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
