opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
