Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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