it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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