im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
