Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize