Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
