why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
