No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize