I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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