a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
