yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
