Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
