my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
