I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
