And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this hospital has no fireball
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
my liver is dry heaving
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
