Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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