my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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