I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
