I bet he comes in French.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
