Plan B is the new Plan A
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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