1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
