oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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