What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
