we have officially lost it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
