Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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