PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
