I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
