I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
