I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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