what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
