i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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