hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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