Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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