mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
