yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize