If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
