i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
