who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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