I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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