My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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