I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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