sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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