two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
