i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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