when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
