I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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