i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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