My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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