I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Say something about gay babies.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
