I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
