I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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