If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
