i'm signing you up for texting rehab
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
