i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
